I don’t wanna.

I don’t wanna.  Counts, shmounts.  I don’t wanna write about anc’s, platelets and hematocrit.  Blood pressure, temperatures, respiratory rates, beats per minute.  Nausea, urine output, number of stools, hem positive, coag negative.  Logging every little bite and slurp that passes his lips.  nG placement, nG volume, IV volume, total out volume.  I’s and O’s.  Condition of the mouth, skin and bottom.  Scheduling a bath.  Meals that are so flippin’ limited.  Oral medications, IV medications.  Vitals and blood draws.  Requesting meds for acute needs.  Not tonight.

Tonight is our families 11th anniversary.  I would love to say that we began 11 years ago, today.  We did, but we didn’t.  We began 13 years and 45 days ago.  At least since our first “date”.  I could wax all sentimental about it, but if you know me, you know it’s not my style.  I would, sometimes, like to be the kind of person that can get swept away by all that and be satisfied.  Problem is, I don’t think  I will ever be satisfied.  Which is by no means a bad thing.  It just means that I  need to know myself well enough to know that I am GOOD where I am at.  I  have a habit of living my life out loud.  Really loud.  Which means I eat alot of crow.  

Once upon a time my main directive was to get married and have kids.  Period.  Didn’t matter how I did it.  It just needed to get done.  Well, I did it.  One day, several years ago, a friend asked me:  “What’s your new dream?”  Took me a while to figure out what that question even meant.  You mean I can have another dream?  There is more to be had?  It ultimately came down to self worth.  You know who helped me the most with this?  Larry.  Yep.  There truly is no other man like him on this planet.  I get worked up about so much other stuff, life just sometimes bull dozes the heck out of you.  I lose sight of what’s right in front of me.  I did not enter this relationship with a whole “me”.  Who ever does?  The “me” that I am is so different from the “me” that met Larry 13 years ago.  I feel like I am finally finding my stride and becoming comfortable in my own skin.  Yet trying to keep this relationship thogether has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  Harder, even, than what we are going through with Gregory.  Why?  ‘Cause I second guess myself and my choices every step of the way.  With Gregory there is no “Monday Night Quaterbacking”.  It is what it is.  I know I should leave well enough alone and just be.  But I have this need to be constanly improving things.  Or at least seenng if there is room for imporvement.  Examing.  Over analyzing.  While not being present for what is happening, in the moment.  Which is, probably, my greatest lesson from this whole experience.  To be in the moment.  To be present.  To live consciously.  Things do have a way of working out, eventually.  Life is never really as bad as you convince yourself it is.  I’m sure our inner monologues have screwed up more of our lives than we would like to admit.  

I have several things that I am passionate about.  Things that I feel so strongly about that they keep me up at night.  When it all boils down, though, it is the belief that if we all lived consciously, in the moment and with a sense of presence, we all would be happier and so would our planet and societies.  I know, I know.  Pollyanna, huh?  I think we are on our way to this.  Hopefully.  I have a belief in the human spirit, that we all posses this ability and we will accomplish it.  This body of mine won’t witness it, but I sure hope I’m around, somehow, when it does happen.  

So.  As we begin our 12th year together.  Yet not together.  I have no idea what the future holds.  The thing to remember is, I didn’t know six months ago, either.  Sitting here, in the dark, in the middle of the night, by the light of a laptop, puking my guarded heart out to hundreds of people.  While anxiously waiting for our youngest OffSpring to recover enough to go HomeHome. 

Just so you know, Gregory is doing well.  The BK Virus is still hanging on and we added blood pressure medication, today.  Once a day.  He has had consistently high blood pressures.  We are still venturing off the floor everyday and I am hoping to take him across the street to see the apartment, this next week.  He continues to charm the pants off eveyone he touches and takes each day as it comes.  I have yet to experience a moment when he truly will not do something.  He is easy going, compliant, even helpful and anticipatory through every step.  His spirit is stong and unbroken. 

I’ve gotten advice and the go ahead to take him to a Matinee when we are outpatient.  I asked him today if he wanted to go see a movie, when we got out of the hospital.  His little four year old response?  “Aren’t there germs in the movie theater?”  It was said very matter of fact.  No sadness at the prospect of not going, due to germs.  He somehow understands that germs are bad for him, for now, and they won’t always be.  He accepts it with a grace that is far beyond his years on this Earth.  THAT is a lesson to be learned. 

We will eventually be out-patient.  Here’s to getting there sooner, rather than later.  ’til later, gotta jet.

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About Mindi Finch

Living with Magnificence. Kicking Childhood Cancer's Ass.
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