Soldiers & Guards

I’ve been siting here poking around on web sites.  Looking up info.  Catching up on emails.  Learning stuff.  Then two realizations occur. 

I’m Soldiering up.
I’m Guarded.

I’m saving the emotions.  I’m keeping things at an even beat.  Except for this very moment.  My heart is beating like a newly caged bird.  The realization that we are about to save our child’s life.  We are getting ready to take him to deaths door and by the magic of medicine, bring him back to life.  In order to save his life.  This precious little life that has brought so much joy, light and life to our family and everyone we touch.  This little being who has not even begun to experience all that there is, waiting.  Waiting for him to explore, experience and live.  LIFE.  Gregory’s life.  Sounds melodramatic, doesn’t it.  It’s not.  It’s our reality.  Ours and thousands of families like us.  Which is the amazing thing.  Those that I have met, we are all valiantly fighting for our child’s life and continuing on with life.  ‘Cause it does continue.  We casually discuss counts, stages, drugs, diagnosis stories, facilities we like, procedures we don’t, ANC’s, transfusions, LP’s, BMA’s, chemo protocols, induction, intensification, maintenance, steroids, platelets, blood type, Unrelated donors, sibling donors, Day 80, fever’s, cold symptoms, intubation, conscious sedation, Day Of Diagnosis, central lines, Hickman’s, Port’s, poke stories, Child Life specialists, favorite nursing staff, partner relationships, Other Children………..  We rattle through these details as if we are reciting a grocery list.  ‘Cause it has become as routine as our beloved and long forgotten grocery lists.  “You mean I should have one?”  (Truly I should.  I can’t seem to remember half the things I need, these days.)  If I keep myself closed off, inaccessible I can make it.  Here I don’t have to feel like I need to live a double life.  Mostly because I don’t.  This is it 100%.  If I don’t want to look you in the eye and say “Hello”, it’s totally acceptable and no one take offense.  If I need to keep my head down and be to myself, that’s OK, too.  I’m sorting through myself, right now.  Building my reserves.  Constructing my Wall of Warrior.  Gregory will get through all of this.  It’s gonna take all I’ve got to make it as easy as possible.  He will not understand any of it.  I can’t explain it to him, either.  It is what it is and I am here to lovingly guide and cherish him to health. 

I’ve come to the realization that my entries lately, are vacant.  I’ve been tremendously guarded in revealing myself.  I will not be resigned to continue this way.  Cannot do it.  It’s either all or nothing.  If I forget something, say something offensive, or hurtful.  Remember this:  This medium is two dimensional.  I cannot possibly express everything surrounding a single sentence.  I NEED to have the freedom to get out what I need to get out at that particular time.  I need to be OK with the fact that these words are mine.  These thoughts are mine.  I gladly share them with the world.  I am strengthened knowing that people are reading my words.  Knowing that Gregory has hundreds of people fighting with him, every step of the way.  Knowing that although I can be blunt, it’s simply for efficientcy purposes.  I do not have the capacity, currently to filter myself.  I’m getting ready to be brutal in my entries.  I’m trying to express something and I’m not doing a very good job of it.  I guess I’m getting ready to drop the veil and show it all.  I hope you are ready.  I need to do it.  Which doesn’t mean that the next entry will be all heavy.  It doesn’t mean that my humor will be gone.  It just means that I’m giving myself permission. 

Srsly.  It’s time to put the heavy thoughts away, for a few hours.  Can I do a ctrl-alt-delete to my brain, Please?  ’til later, gotta jet.

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About Mindi Finch

Living with Magnificence. Kicking Childhood Cancer's Ass.
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