Mommy’s feeling glum. Go figure!

Hi there. Remember me? Did you miss us? (no really, I’m not narcissistic)

The last few days have been emotionally draining. I don’t know if it’s all catching up, the “honeymoon” phase is over or it’s the moon’s current phase (which I do tend to get a little ooky when it’s nearly full). I haven’t been able to handle much, lately. Laundry and dishes have been sorely neglected.

Saturday night I got to catch up with Julia!! Brewski’s at Studio K. Man, that place is either really turning into a dive (and I don’t mean in a good way) or I am getting too old. Needless to say, it was so nice to gab, gossip and realize how much we really do have in common. I’m looking forward to many more visits, now that she (and her new family) is back in Spokane. Love you, grl!

Sunday AnnMarie and I went to church. Recently I’ve been trying to find a place spirituality. Unity Spokane, is where we have been attending, lately.  Up until Gregory was admitted to the hospital.  This was my first time back.  AnnMarie really likes going, so we decided to give it a try.  Under normal circumstances, I cry easily at Unity.  Sunday was like my tears were on Steroids.  With a little bit of pissed off, mixed in for “fun”.  The talk was about “healing” and how illness in our lives is there for us to learn from.  Which, at this point, I think is complete bullshit.  I cannot see a learning experience valuable enough for Gregory to have cancer.  Can’t.  Don’t know if I  ever will.  Conversely, I do believe that every moment of our lives is a learning opportunity.  So how can this be any different???  It just hurts too much. 

I’m having a really hard time being hopeful.  When it comes to JMML, Gregory is in the highest risk group.  Also, the fact that we are not able to be actively “fighting”, has much to to with it.  Until a match is made, we are in limbo.  Monitoring and managing his blood counts.  Keeping him healthy.  This could end tomorrow or go on for months.  The absolute inablility to act is so fucking frustrating.  One of my favorite responses is, “there is a solution to every problem”.  I’m not seeing a solution for this limbo.  Except trying to find peace.  It’s not happening.  I’m not wallowing in grief, I just feel numb.  I feel like I have little or no affect.  (Used it right, that time.)  When I do react in a positive way, I catch myself and wonder where it came from.  Larry’s the only one, right now, that I don’t feel frozen around. 

We had blood counts, today.  His HCT is at 29, platelets are at 66 and the white blood cells are at 18.  The 6-mp is working.  It’s bringing his white count down.  Doc thinks his counts will be OK for a while, so we don’t go back for counts until NEXT Tuesday.  The 14th.  I’m a little nervous about it, but I have to trust that he knows what he’s doing.  Gregory has been super crabby and not very hungry, the last few days.  I’m sure he’s getting so tired of this, too.  We have a long way to go and I need to kick this funk. 

As we speak, Gregory is laying his head in my lap, still sleepy from napping.  Larry is on his way to the barn and the other OffSpring are with Nana.  We are listening to “Chillin'” tunes and cuddling. 

I should go, 

Becky, I’ll answer you question in my next post.  I have not forgotten.

Thank you’s for today:

Thank you for good tunes and cuddles.

Gotta jet.  Later, taters.

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About Mindi Finch

Living with Magnificence. Kicking Childhood Cancer's Ass.
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